theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
