Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
