I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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