Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
