my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
