I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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