I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You need Xanax blowdarts
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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