the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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