Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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