I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
