I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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