I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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