Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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