I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this boner is exhausting
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
