I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
