On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
