I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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