I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
