From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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