woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
