Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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