her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The ass gains better be worth it
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