i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
