Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
