i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
