Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
