allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
