im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
