I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
