I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
