sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
