I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
