Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My dick has a subreddit
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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