I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
