Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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