I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
