Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
