farters have to be the big spoon...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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