I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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