I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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