...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
