Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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