I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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