i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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