What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
