She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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