it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
