thus making me awesome and them whores
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
