i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
