Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
