if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
