Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
