apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
MIDGETS
????
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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