I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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