He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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