The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
